Oh my- where has the time gone? In reality, lately it seems like we have had some very long days.
It is high time I post an update on our life and our adoption specifically. We have many people asking about our adoption, and each time is a great reminder that people really do care. We are not forgotten.
The last time I posted about this was at the end of October- 3 months ago! We have now been officially waiting 6 months.
Folks, this adoption stuff is not for the faint of heart. I am not complaining. I am not surprised at how difficult it is- I was warned. But I think somewhere deep down I was just hoping I'd be distracted enough, or strong enough, or have enough faith….many days there is a hopelessness that lingers- one that I'm getting better at recognizing, and with God's help telling it to GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE. I'm realizing again and again that I'm not supposed to be strong enough- I need God to help me through this. And so I've been more eager for co-dependency on Christ. That makes all this waiting worth it. :)
Recently, there have been some scary rumors flying around Ethiopian adoption. Apparently there was a documentary shown in Ethiopia that pointed out many of the weak points of their adoption system, and also hyped-up the extreme cases of Ethiopian international adoptions gone bad. This was followed by a research paper that called for international adoption reform within the country. It is also a hot topic right now with some pending elections.
Talk of a possible shutdown (or imminent slow-down) was/is everywhere. Our agency has been great at keeping us updated, though there is not much news to report. As is common in a third-world country, things are happening at their own pace. The good news is that court and embassy appointments (these are the two times when families travel to Ethiopia to either gain parental rights or a visa to take their child home) have been issued as normal.
Something that I've been hesitant to entertain this early is possible change of our plans. Shawn and I feel like we are right where God wants us for now. It has been difficult to see many other families within our agency leave the Ethiopia program for another. I know they each have their own journeys, reasons, and circumstances. It is tough to realize we are at the end of a very long list (currently #118 on the "unofficial" waiting list- this list is kept by a volunteer family that is also within the Ethiopia program and only includes the families who have chimed in, so it is likely that we are actually lower on the list if you include the other families that are also waiting who have not announced their status to the group). There has also been a major slow down in the amount of referrals (children being matched with families) in the past 6 months. Our agency is estimating that our wait could be extended from the original 18-24 months we first heard to 3.5 to 5 years. I don't doubt that this could be the case.
I do not want to make any decisions out of fear or selfishness. From where I stand right now, waiting a possible 5 years for a child seems incredibly long. But I know I'll say, "it was worth it" on the other side. I know it's no coincidence that God has placed other friends in our lives who are also in the adoption process and/or struggling with infertility. Sometimes it feels so selfish to say that 5 years is too long.
But so many sources have reminded me of God's perfect timing, and the truth is- He has so much to show us in the journey. Some of these realizations/truths have been:
1) I now have a longing for my adopted child that may be there for a very long time. It hurts, but it also increases my ability to understand how God longs for His adopted children- us! When I think of it, it is overwhelming. I am so thankful for that hurt.
2) Adoption is never a perfect process. It is a relationship born of brokenness. I cannot expect to fully understand my future child, but I can do my best to empathize and depend the orphan in other ways as we wait.
3) I am so thankful for my husband and my son. To have both of them to hug is such a gift.
If you've been following my blog long enough, you also know that we experienced 2 miscarriages before we started the adoption process last January. Since then, we've experienced 2 more. Both of these were unplanned (but not unwanted) pregnancies, and early miscarriages. We were relieved when my OB referred me to a specialist. Within minutes of hearing our story, the specialist had a probable diagnosis and that diagnosis was confirmed with an ultrasound. He recommended surgery- a day surgery- that would be a permanent fix to the problem. It was great news to us.
So, I'm going in for surgery in two days. Though it's just a one day in-and-out kind of deal, I'm still a little nervous. Not that anything will go wrong with my body. I'm nervous of my own expectations. Nervous for 3 months from now when I'm wondering if I might get pregnant- and then if I get pregnant, if I will stay that way for long.
Now, if you're reading this and you're thinking, "She can't get pregnant, she has to shoot my wedding!", PLEASE know that this is literally the FIRST thought that I have when the "Oh my goodness, am I pregnant?" feeling comes. Crazy or not, it's part of the job. :) In all of this (technically 5 pregnancies) I have realized that God will make a baby when He wants to make a baby.
With Knox, it worked out that he was due during my slow time for wedding photography. Though we would like to think we can plan a pregnancy around my schedule (and will try to), we know that it is in God's hands and we have to trust that He will provide for us and for my clients if I do get pregnant. I had a great pregnancy with Knox and shot weddings up until the last month of pregnancy. So, I'm choosing to respond with hope to that worry. Babies and weddings are life's biggest celebrations!
So friends, I'm asking you to pray. Pray for Ethiopia, our adoption process, our agency, my surgery, and ask God that our family will grow HIS way in HIS perfect timing.
I have been asking God to show me His truth lately. With rumors and worries constantly at bay, I know that God's truth is what I need to be rooted in. I had a dream last week that I was driving in a car with two high school friends. We were leaving some sort of Christian women's conference and discussing the message we'd just heard. One of them said, "You know, the TRUTH is that your present circumstances are God's gift". There it was. I immediately woke up and repeated it. My mom reminded me of James 1:2-5:
"Don't run from tests and hardships, brothers and sisters. As difficult as they are, you will ultimately find joy in them; if you embrace them, your faith will blossom under pressure and teach you true patience as you endure. And true patience brought on by endurance will equip you to complete the long journey and cross the finish line- mature, complete, wanting nothing. If you don't have all the wisdom needed for this journey, then all you have to do is ask God for it; and God will grant all that you need. He gives lavishly and never scolds you for asking."
UPDATE 1/28/14: We received word from our agency that the Ethiopian government does not plan to stop international adoption, but will focus on "eliminating bad practice" in Ethiopian adoptions (i.e. corruption). They encouraged agencies to continue work as normal. This is great news for us and the orphan!